Friday, December 22, 2006

"The word is out, around the town, to lift a glass. Ah, don't look down." - Paul McCartney, "Wonderful Christmastime" [WTF does this MEAN?]

Random Christmas thoughts:

What is cherry wine, and what does it have to do with Christmas?

Songs I am digging: Michael Buble’s “Let It Snow,” Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas,” and just about any version of “Mary’s Boy Child.”

Songs I hate, or am sick of hearing, or both: anything by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, the stupid cherry wine song, some chickie singer’s Spanish version of “Silent Night” (to paraphrase Dave Barry from one of the funniest books I have ever read, Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs, whoever sings this song sounds like she's having her prostate examined by Captain Hook.)
Also, enough with the Band Aid.

My most despised Christmas song of all time: Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime.”

It’s fifty degrees and pouring rain; don’t think we’ll be seeing a white Christmas.

Have you ever noticed that no matter how many different kinds of cookies there are on a plate, they all pretty much taste the same after a while?
And what’s with the sudden prejudice against chocolate chip cookies for Christmas?
AND what exactly about fruit breads says Christmas? I want to know.

My particular hobby-horse: Tuna salad does NOT belong on the Christmas Eve table; if you’re one fish short of the seven, go buy some smoked salmon or something. Also, face it, no one eats the baccala and potatoes because it’s TERRIBLE, and it’s always cold. And some veggies wouldn’t hurt anyone.

Why do Seg and Primo insist on perching the shepherds on TOP of the crèche, right next to the angel? “Shepherds on the rooftop, la la la…”

I would like to shoot the little brat who taught my children the alternate "Batman" lyrics to "Jingle Bells."

Must I send a Christmas card to people who have sent me one but were not on my original list? I miscalculated and ordered about ten fewer than I needed, so I could send a generic card but what’s the point of that when there are charming children to be shown off?

I hate receiving cards solely preprinted with signatures, and no hand-scrawled name or message. But even worse, this year I received a card that was totally blank. I identified the sender from the return address; I am hoping this was an oversight and not a new card trend.

I like blue and silver better than red and green.

Ice skates are difficult to wrap neatly.

Does anyone ever eat their gingerbread house?

If Family A goes to Christmas Eve service at 430, and Family B goes to Christmas Eve mass at 5, and Family C attends midnight mass which in some bizarre Catholic twist is actually at 11 pm, what time does Grandma plan dinner?

My kids are all jazzed about leaving carrots for the reindeer. When did food for the reindeer become traditional? I mean, I don’t mind eating a few cookies and some milk, but I refuse to eat a carrot. Do you think they’d notice if I just threw it right back in the veggie crisper? Sigh. You know Primo would. It'd be just like him to count the goddamn carrots.

I don’t know why I keep forgetting to buy lights – is it because subconsciously I don’t want to deal with decorating the tree?

My mother used to make us drive to at least half a dozen places, and stand up and inspect and twirl at least two or three dozen trees for her, before finally, FINALLY, picking The Perfect Tree. And it had to be a Douglas fir, and it had to smell, and God forbid if a single needle dropped off while we were shaking and tweaking and twirling it. Then we took it home and I wielded the chainsaw and jammed it in the base and wrestled it into the house, after which the decorating angst could begin. The whole tree thing at my house growing up was stressful as could be. Now? We go one place to buy a tree. And I don’t care what kind it is, or if it smells a particular way, or if the needles are flinging themselves off the branches like lemmings off a cliff.

This year I told H to just bring a tree home, I really didn’t care what it looked like or how big it was, I didn't want to go get it. He was relieved, he said; he was going to get a small tree. The tree he brought home, however, is easily eight feet tall, possibly more. Thank God he didn’t bring home a BIG tree.

Should I tell the boys Santa comes down the living room chimney or the dining room chimney?

I gave in to the boys' pleading and got the cats a little Christmas treat.
But I drew the line at giving the goldfish a Christmas present.


Anonymous said...

Since you asked ... Grandma's dinner should be at around 7:00.

Yesterday, my 10-yr-old daughter and I got in a big argument at the tree/plant store. There is no such thing as a "little" Christmas tree. The smallest Christmas tree was more than 6 feet tall. I thought it would be a good idea to get one of those three-foot-tall evergreens still alive planted in a pot and then we could plant it in our garden afterwards, but NOOOOOOO.

Richard said...

Great post! I too have had the same thoughts you have covered here. I have my own top 10 hated songs and your listed ones are on there. My #1 is Feliz Navidad. Boring lyrics, repeated over and over and...snore. Keep up the good work. Have a Great Christmas.

blackbird said... nibble the last inch off the carrot and leave the rest.
then you scatter raisin 'poop' from the reindeer on carpet.

Unknown said...

I thought I was the only one who didn't like Wonderful Christmastime. I've always found it a little creepy.

Katy said...

Midnight mass ends at midnight, in theory. At least, my Episcopal family explains why church starts at 11 on Xmas Eve that way. Or 10:30 or whenever it is. I like that its late, it means that we don't have a Christmas Pageant. Which is my least favorite Christmas-church tradition.

I have been leaving reindeer food for at least 19 years. So, sometime before 1987 it became traditional.

Can you put the ice skates in a shipping box? Or a big gift bag?

You do not need to send cards to people who were not on the original list, but you should probably add them to next year's list.

Sorry for the novel.

Katy said...

Santa should come down the chimney where you are willing to have the presents sitting until Christmas break is over. Therefore, the living room seems like a better choice.

Badger said...

Oh my GOD, dude, and you think the Disney people turned ME into a pod?

Michael Buble = SATAN
And chocolate chip cookies for Christmas are ALWAYS WRONG.

I'm with you on Band Aid, though. That is MY least-favorite Christmas atrocity of all time.

Fortunately I don't listen to the radio anymore and I've managed to avoid the mall like the teeming maw of hell it is so I haven't heard it much this year.

P.S. Can you conveniently run out of carrots before Christmas? Or convince the boys that reindeer prefer apples?

Suse said...

Carrots are neater than 'magic reindeer food' which is oats mixed with glitter, sprinkled on the verandah.

Which then needs to be swept up at 1am.

Just eat the bloody carrot.

Anonymous said...

Most favorite Christmas song: Feliz Navidad, but with different lyrics. We sing it
"Obese Navidad..."

Not only do we sing it. We live it.

Amy said...

chew the carrots a little on the end and leave pieces in the fireplace. My mom always did this saying the reindeer (especially rudolph out front) must have chewed it over the chimney.

MsCellania said...

Nah, Feliz Navidad is
"Fa-leas in da ya-ahd, Fa-leas in da yaHd...
I have convinced the children that Santa doesn't allow any people to leave reindeer food as he doesn't want the reindeer pooping on peoples' roofs. (Rooves?)

Santa also uses mom's wrapping paper which is why we're currently using tape sparingly. But I liked your All Santas All the Time for the presents Santa wraps.

Grandma puts dinner on the table any time she damn well pleases! If you want hot food, you'll be there when Grandma sez...

We are avoiding the whole chimney thing. As ours are all sealed-glass gas fireplaces and well, that's a scary idea as they would absolutely obsess about the fellow getting stuck, and waking up to Smooshed-Face Santa.

Anonymous said...

What are the cats getting?

Joke said...

Ovah heah, Midnight Mass starts, um, at Midnight. But then again this is one of those Old School kinda Catholic parishes with lots of Latin and incense. (Yells, bells and smells.)

In Spain, Christmas Eve dinner starts right after this Mass because in Spain, that's just a little later than normal.

I'm with Suse. Eat the bloody carrot. Or, grate it into something and stash it away for, say, carrot cake or cole slaw.


BabelBabe said...

the cats are getting little mice toys. and they'll be grateful they got that.

yeah, silly me, i always thought midnight mass started at midnight, too.

delta said...

Chocolate chip cookies are ALWAYS right. Period. Blackout.

Eat part of the carrot. Leave the rest for evidence... This is a CSI world we live in!

Sing Christmas carols at the top of your lungs! Whichever ones you like. Who cares if you can sing??? My kids and I did this in the car today as I drove ten hours in the car to drop them off with their father. (We did NOT sing for ten hours. Only for about five minutes. I have... TEENAGERS.)

Happy Holidays to one and all!!!

Jess said...

In the convert-Orthodox tradition, the Christmas service starts at, ahem, 8pm with compline, matins at 9pm, and things really get cooking at 11 when the liturgy starts. Around 1 or 1:30 the service ends and you start eating, and depending on how much stamina you've got, you crawl into bed somewhere around 3 (that is, of course, assuming you don't have gifts left to wrap).