Sunday, May 07, 2006

The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.

Sunday confession - I do not like to shower.
I find it an appalling waste of time.
Yet totally necessary.
Is there a single other activity - other than dinner with your in-laws - that falls into that category? It's because no one has figured out how to multi-task in the shower. Think about it. ALL YOU CAN DO is clean yourself. You can't, say, read and shampoo your hair, or blog and shave your legs. You must shampoo, shave, soap up, and rinse - all without doing one single other useful thing. (Unless you count singing a song of your own composition or mentally composing a grocery list useful. Me, not so much.) So, yeah, if I didn't HAVE to shower, I probably wouldn't. Whereas my husband would shower two or three times a day, half an hour at a time, if he could. But men are never any good at multi-tasking anyway.

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I am a bad hotel guest. It stresses me out when I hear housekeeping in the hall and know I am going to have to - gasp - open the door and politely tell them I need a half an hour. Because I forgot to put the little "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door the night before.
Because I am self-conscious about THAT as well. If I am with my husband, then clearly that card screams that TWO PEOPLE ARE HAVING SEX IN THIS ROOM, BEHIND THIS CLOSED DOOR AND THIS SIGN. And if I am not with my husband, and the card is on the door - what the hell am I doing in there by myself?

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For the record: Blackbird LIES.
I am NOT ravishing.
I am tall. Five-nine. But sadly, not thin, so it doesn't look as tall as you might hope. I mean, I am not Quasimodo or anything - I look like pretty much every other thirty-something mom with boring brown hair and glasses.
I do have an ginormous pimple on my right chin. I mean, on the right side of my chin. I do only have one chin. So far. Thank God.
But you know, pimples and glasses don't make for good blog reading. So Blackbird embellished.

And what does Blackbird look like, you ask?
In best blogger fashion I will tell you that Blackbird?
Is REALLY a six-foot-tall black man.
And now you know.

But she does return home with all of her body organs intact, and I return home with a clogged milk duct and a cooler full of milk.

11 comments:

MsCellania said...

Ho! I look at that Do Not Disturb sign and think 'some lucky fuck is getting to sleep in, while I, I am up wtih 2 little boys since before the crack of dawn'. Okay, maybe there is some sex going on, but for SURE there is more sleeping...

And I beg to differ about that multitasking while in the shower. I can listen to some music or the news/weather and plan our wardrobes for the day. I can do a quicky facial mask as I shave. I can work on the boy's reading as I draw words backward on the steamy door. And I can lift my spirits by singing LOUDLY and BADLY but with great zest.

And methinks both you and BB are easy on the eyes. And funny and smart for sure. And very, very lucky for having gotten to meet in the flesh.

Joke said...

The first vacation TFBIM and I took on our own w/o children we put up that card and then looked at each other with raised, mischievious eyebrows and knowing glances. So we SLEPT. And then, because I am a manly-man full of manly stamina, we slept some more. For a nooner, we napped. Because we're all kinky, we went shopping and got new PJs and slept some more.

In fact, I almost got 7 hours a day that trip.

Oh, and in the shower I brush my teeth, floss and shave while assorted stuff is setting in my hair, etc. I could shower all day. Scalding water, shot from a police riot squad's water cannon, and I'm as happy as if I were sleeping in a hotel.

-J.

blackbird said...

I can go either way re the showering.
Sometimes it is the place where I plan the day, shave the legs, exfoliate the feet -
other days I feel so put upon to have to stop to shower.

As for the sign on the door -
I never have mixed feelings about THAT.

Miz S said...

Blackbird would never tell a lie.

Lazy cow said...

I hate getting in the shower but once I'm in I hate getting out.

Carolyn said...

I like showering. I like to turn the water on almost scalding. Great for the skin, huh?

Now stopping to pee - that I hate!

MsCellania said...

Oh. And another thing about our complete and total adoration of the showering thing? We put in a very nice shower stall in the lower level. And fancy-schmancy (since I can't remember the brand name) faucets and hand held. We had the contract eliminate the water-saving gasket thingy feature in the shower heads. Which means when you divert to the hand held, the things raises up off the hook like It's ALIVE and start shuckin' and jivin' like a fire hose on the loose. We forget to warn houseguests and hear them screaming, then cursing at the thing as they chase it all over the shower stall. Luckily, the bathroom is pretty much All Tile as it frequently gets a complete hosedown as we fool ourselves with it too. The boys are scared of that shower. They have heard their Daddy scream like a girl and jump around. The only trust the showers at the club.

Suse said...

And now I have an interesting image of a six foot tall black man in the shower, planning his day, shaving his legs and exfoliating his FEET.

Surfing Free said...

I love having a shower but I hate blow drying my hair. God that is boring. I'm talking about just drying it, not styling it, just drying it so your head doesn't freeze when you walk out the door. Boring snoring ..
Your weekend away sounds fabulous and the Do Not Disturb Sign ... well, the power of that sign is awesome!

Sarah Louise said...

You're not surprised, I have a do not disturb story. But I think I'll blog about it later this week instead of putting it here.

I have mixed feelings about the shower thing.

I love hotels. I got to sleep in one Friday night, mmm.

I do not like hairdrying either!!

And for the record, Babs, I think you're gorgeous, even if you think you are ordinary looking. (Beauty in the eye of the beholder and all that...)

But I don't believe you that Blackbird is a man--I've seen pictures of her on her blog--you can't fool me.

That is all.

Truly.

jak said...

Frist, have you seen my tub? That should tell you how I feel about showers!

Second, I think if blackbird is really a men, SHE sure has gorgeous legs and pretty eyes!

Third, I think you looking like Bridget Fonda- Is probably right on the mark!

Glad you guys had such a wonderful time.

Sorry for the clogged duct-och!