Friday, June 30, 2006

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography. - Robert Byrne

Foods H will not eat:
(he insists he will eat "anything"; yet after long, hard years of research, empirical evidence suggests otherwise...)

Any kind of apple other than organic Braeburns from Whole Foods
Bananas that “are not ripe enough”
Raw blueberries
Kiwi

Shrimp, lobster, crab
Flounder
Halibut
Salmon with the skin on

Blue cheese
Goat cheese, especially feta
American cheese (why, that's just...unAmerican! You can't make a decent grilled cheese without American cheese. No, don't argue with me, I have three children, I know what I am talking about.)

Olives, green OR black

Beets in any form
Canned vegetables

Any flavor of Balance bar other than almond brownie

Cream pies
Strawberry pie
Peach pie
Cheesecake
Doughnuts - unless it's a sour cream cake doughnut and it's the last one and I wanted it for breakfast the next day
Rice pudding (more for me!); in fact, most pudding, although he does love bread pudding

Pizza (“Cheese is poison”)
Chicken wings
Barbecued ribs
Pork, including bacon – and he prefers turkey sausage
ANY salami that is NOT from Parma Sausage in the Strip, which makes their own. Labriola’s is almost as good, and ten times more convenient to buy, but he won’t eat it
Most lunch/deli meats - especially bologna, even Lebanon bologna which is a whole different creature, and quite delicious
Hot dogs

Until very recently, yogurt; now ONLY Dannon nonfat, fruit-on-the-bottom, cherry, strawberry, peach, or blueberry - if I buy strawberry, I cannot buy strawberry-banana, as they “taste exactly the same”
Skim milk (he acts like it's poison if I give it to the boys when we run out of whole)
Non-dairy creamer, EVEN IN A PINCH
A large quantity of cheese – while I can and do happily consume half a pound or more in a sitting, especially if I am drinking, too (Remember, "cheese is poison")

Sourdough bread
Our grocery store’s Italian bread
Most types of potato chips
Any kind of white bread

Maple syrup
Mustard
Gherkin pickles
Pickle relish
Cool Whip (not that I disagree…)
Miracle Whip (ditto…)
Any type of salsa that is not organic, high-end, gourmet salsa. He would not sully his palate with Chi-chi's or even La Victoria.
Caffeinated coffee
Commercial peanut butter

Any whiskey that is not Jameson’s – in a pinch, he will deign to drink Tullamore Dew
Beer that is not Guinness or Heineken (he spurns my Yuengling)

13 comments:

Sarah Louise said...

maple syrup?

pizza?

wait a minute--caffienated coffee? I mean I don't drink the stuff either, but wow.

But here are the important questions: will he eat pumpkin pie and papaya? And what about potato salad?

Do the boys exhibit any of their father's finicky-ness? (besides the pepper turkey thing that Primo has)

Oy vey. You are a good woman. And I'll drink Yuengling with you any old time.

I guess I won't ever have to worry about him grabbing a bite of my Mediteranean nachos, though (as cheese is poison).

Gina said...

I would take great pleasure in sneaking the ingredients he spurns into foods without his knowledge. Then again, sometimes I would take great pleasure in hitting him over the head with a nice wheel of cheddar.

julia said...

That is just all sorts of wrong. Bad and wrong.

No cheese? No maple syrup?!!? No bacon? No olives? No CHEESECAKE??? The gob, she is smacked. And here I thought TCBIM was fussy because he didn't like tomatoes. Just about the only thing I can agree with is Guinness, but even as much as I love it, I will drink other beers, happily (ok, not Budweiser, but y'know. Real beer.)

Joke said...

Wow. Just...wow.

I agree with him on the American Processed Cheese Food. My two sons won't even LOOK at a grilled cheese sandwich made with anything other than real cheddar. (In fact, a couple of years ago, NTS had a screaming meltdown in WDW because he wanted a grilled cheese sandwich and they only had American)

I'm with him on the olives, although I can choke them down if they are in teeny-tiny pieces in a sauce or something.

I'm with him on the doughnuts (although that's just my survival instinct kicking in).

I'm reserving judgment on the deli stuff.

But wow.

It was one of the discussions I had w. TFBIM when we were considering marriage...I told her I was a foodie and if I had to face a lifetime with someone who incessantly said: "I don't eat ___", well, that was a dealbreaker.

Oh, I also won't eat any variant of bell peppers. But that's IT.

Which explains why I haven't seen my abs in 6 years.

-J.

jess said...

I must agree that skim milk is poison. And okay, the organic Braeburns ARE the best. But otherwise? Cah-razy.

Badger said...

Cheese is poison?

And you had CHILDREN with this man?

The fuck were you thinking?!

Lazy cow said...

Well, he can't call himself a man if he doesn't eat bacon or pork ribs(unless he's Jewish, of course). The cheese aversion is just plain wierd :-)
My husband pouts and carries on if there is only non-fat milk for his coffee. But, he never used to eat 'exotic' food like olives, feta, marinated peppers before he met me and now they're household staples. And he makes his own mustard. He's also stopped buying nasty, floury white bread and is into rye. However, he refuses to eat fruit, unless it's chopped up in a fruit salad, smothered in ice cream.

telfair said...

I'm astounded by this list...

Who does the grocery shopping?
I wonder if his "food aversions" would suddenly "clear up" if he had to do the shopping...

BabelBabe said...

hey telfair, who do you think does the grocery shopping? : )

Badge - I clearly WASN'T thinking.

SL - he eats papaya, his fav fruit is mangoes, he adores avocado. he will eat pumpkin pie but ONLY with homemade crust,which is fine. Potato salad, mmmm, no.

And that, Gina, is why I love you.

LC - he is NOT Jewish. If he were, his mother would plotz : ) Remnd me to tell you my mother-in-law/Jewish friend story sometime.

As for everyone else, *I* do indeed eat everything. I have ONE THING I will not and cannot and will never eat, and that is cottage cheese. I may prefer, say, blueberries to strawberries, or mango to papaya, but I will eat everything except cottage cheese.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on the cottage cheese.

But apart from the skim milk aversion which is the preference of any sane and rational human being, H is clearly crazy so Gina, give him an extra brainer with the cheddar wheel from me, ok?

suse.

Miz S said...

Please do a follow-up post where you write the very short list of foods that he WILL eat.

Sarah Louise said...

Yes, that one I would pay to see.

Carolyn said...

Good Lord. He must be about as fun to cook for as a dead puppy is to play with.