I am tired.
I am tired of feeling absolutely inadequate in every way, shape, and form.
Conversely, I am tired of feeling taken for granted.
About once every couple months, H. and I have these conversations about how hard he works, and how he doesn’t have anything left for me, how I am “always sick” and he has to pick up the slack and how he is hating work right now. Blah blah blah. I know, I should be sympathetic, and I am to an extent, and I try to help, but this is my blog, damn it. (And Gina's blog, and he's not going to get any sympathy from her corner, I can assure you.) He can garner sympathy on his own blog, if he so desires.
I on my side of the story have no reserves for the kids after all day with them because my well of emotional health isn’t exactly filled by some underground spring of marital bliss – but hell, I’d settle for balanced brain chemistry.
So we sigh and I invariably cry because that’s what I do and he trudges off to the salt mines and I hear my middle child wake up and ask for breakfast, and the baby whimper to nurse, with dread in my heart and a lump in my stomach.
And we soldier on. Because there’s really not much choice. I mean, they didn’t ask to be born, as I will probably frequently be reminded, if they turn out at all like I did in my teen years.
There HAS to be more, doesn’t there?
Don't mind me as I throw myself a giant freaking pity party.
Update: (oh, maybe twenty seconds after I posted this but in the interest of - what? journalistic integrity? Ha!) - ok, I know, it's just like Chinese water torture right now, only with poopy diapers and nursing infants and games of Chutes and Ladders. I am just - feeling - put-upon and fragile. So sue me. And pass the Zoloft, wouldja?
22 comments:
oh, god...the salt mines --
K says 'well, I'm off to the salt mines' everyday. His job is sucking the life out of him.
And what he doesn't realize is that my job can do the same to me. I am the emotional sponge for four people, and sometimes this is mighty.
okay
off to feel sorry for myself too now.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to start a trend. But you have summed up what I am nto able to - I am an emotional sponge. Yes, H happens to make the actual money at the moent, but god, the emotional currency they whip through!
What does he think it would cost to pay a cook, housekeeper, nanny and driver? Also, you work at the library, right?
You and I sound like we are in the same place right now.
My teen daughter is currently acting like the spawn of satan. She starts counseling next week.
My husband goes on and on and on about how disrespectful she is until I just want him to shut the hell up, so I can get something done besides standing around listening to him blather.
From the minute I get up, I have little people wanting picked up, fed, drinks poured, channels changed etc.
Everybody wants something from me. Ugh.
Sorry, you hit a nerve!
I wish we lived near each other so we could go out drinking. Now THAT would be fun.
OK. Color me weird.
I do what I can, try to smile even if I am faking the Hell out of it and make it a point of not demanding anything from anyone.
"Press on regardless" is my motto. I'd be horrified if I had an emotional sponge and WAY horrified if I actually availed myself of one.
I suspect modern mental health professionals would be aghast at my upbringing...
-J.
BBbabe, I'm getting more Zoloft tomorrow, shall I pick some up for you? I always hated it when my mom would say, Honey, it's March. You always have a crisis in March. But after 34 years, I am beginning to believe her. You are a great soldier and we should have coffee--soon! Besides, I owe you six bucks...oh, and Happy Lent (if that isn't an oxymoron, I don't know what is).
-SL
Can I join the pity party too?
Right there with you.
I'll bring the margaritas...
So now we're all fantasising about marrying Joke?
I'm joining in this pity party too.
Yesterday, I was hanging out the washing, listening to my children squabble because I had asked one of them to put his own plus the others' schoolbags away, and I wondered what would happen if suddenly I only washed MY laundry, cooked MY food, washed MY dishes etc.
Or if I just walked away for a month or two.
We need a virtual girls' weekend away. I'll bring the tim tams.
Oh Suse! I am so tempted to do that sometimes. My family acts like they have no part in messing up the house and therefore shouldn't have to help clean it either. It just drives me insane!
BB: Sometimes everyone just needs to have a pity party.
I have this day a lot. And one just goes forward because there's no place else to go.
no, sorry, I merely fantasize about not being married AT ALL. TFBHM is welcome to Joke : ) Nothing personal, dear Joke, but you know, it would just be "Out of the frying pan into the ...frying pan..."
BB: I often fantasize about buying a separate house from my family. Then they could only visit me when I said so.
Wow, the seperate house thing is my secret fantasy. This is how sick I am - I sometimes envy divorced people who share custody of the kids because when the offspring are at Dad's house Mum gets a rest. I'm ill in the head, I know!
Let me know if there's anything Marisa and I can do for you. We're tired too - maybe we can all be tired together.
db
H and I seriously considered buying a duplex when we moved, but decided that would be too weird for the kids. So the separate bedrooms thing was a compromise. But it isn't quite as separate as the separate house thing would be, because I still get no peace : )
Damn, I posted a comment but the word verification thingy got me.Can't even remember what it was now.
Sorry you're feeling this way. Maybe spring will help?
And how dumb am I? I thought you just had all these wonderful quotes in your head, or a good reference book. Didn't reallise you were Googling them!
i'm sorry, lc, do you think less of me? : )
i do have an archive of sorts, and a Bartlett's, but most I google. I search until i find the one that strikes the exactly right tone i am aiming for. so it's not just totally random, if that helps. thought definitely goes into them - but bartlett's will only get me so far...
What would we ever do without Google? Even as a librarian that knows there are search engines that are useful for different things, I always go to Google first.
I must say it's greatly consoling to me to know that you google a lot of your quotes. Which I always enjoy.
Here, have some chocolate.
You know, I won't say being a single parent is easy, but there really *is* a plus to it, as Surfing Free mentioned: When Teddy's at his dad's, I am all alone. And in the 2+ years we've been split, I have NEVER ONCE felt lonely in the least.
The down side, of course, if having to admit to a failed marriage. As well as having to do every single chore the boy is too young to help with all by myself. Boo hoo, I know. :-)
OMG - I could write reams about the same conversations at my house over the years. Now the children are older, we both work, and I still never win the misery contest. His job is sucking the life out of him - and out of me!Plus he has a chronic acute back problem.
It's really hard not to be co-dependent. Keep strong bonds with girlfriends, gin, and chocolate.
G'ah - are we all circling the universe on the same plane or what??? I hear you on every.single.level.
Luvox is my drug of choice. I am currently marking the 14 month without it.
Today's ghouls are telling me Jasper is really hungry and that my milk isn't enough, even though clearly it is.
My breast pump, completely made of plastic has started to squeak, like it needs an oil change. It's p.l.a.s.t.i.c.
I dream as Suse does about only doing my washing, only cleaning my stuff, only doing stuff for ME
oh how I could go on and on and on.
I think it is the relentlessness of it. Like the Great Gatsby quote:
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Eugh.
Great Gatsby quote--oh that came out wrong. As in great quote, from the great gatsby! The librarian gods will have to forgive my non-capitalization, etc. etc. Another book I need to re-read...
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