Sunday, July 15, 2007

"I like it when people cook for me, or I'll just order some take-out." - Famke Jannsen

Have you ever been in the grocery store with your children (or even just one child) and a full cart of groceries, and you are at the check-out trying to simultaneously hand the cashier your shopper’s card, unload your cart in a reasonable way ensuring the bagger doesn’t pack your bananas on the bottom and your forty pounds of laundry detergent on the top, keep said child from pulling all the gum off the shelves, and forage for your credit card, when you have someone behind you who apparently was never taught to wait his goddamn bloody turn, and you just want to snarl, “Buddy, BACK THE FUCK OFF!”?

Worse, my cashier has no bagger, and so as she and I try to bag quickly enough to get the rest of my cart’s contents on the belt, the guy behind me grabs one of those little divider sticks and starts unloading HIS cart. Even though CLEARLY I still have half a cartload of groceries.

“Ahem.” I say politely. “I still have all these –“ waving my hand at the stack of food in my cart.

“Oh! Oh, sorry.”

Finally get the groceries all rung up and bagged and stacked in the new cart, baby transferred, coupons tallied, and am ready to pay. I don’t recall swiping my card already, but I must have, so I punch the Yes button – $200.31 is OK.

The machine asks if I want money back.

I say No.

And then I say, “You did ring that up as a credit card and not debit, yes? Because it’s never asked me if I want cash back before.”
And I start to sign the credit slip.

The cashier says, “Oh, Discover cards always ask that.”

“Except I didn’t use a Discover card.” I say.

“You must have,” she tells me, and shows me the credit slip where it definitely says Discover.

“Except I don’t even HAVE a Discover card.” I say.

But guess who does, sonuvabitch?

That’s right, Mr. Impatient behind me, who in the interest of ‘being efficient’ (his words) and ‘being a raging pain in my ass’ (my words) had already swiped his credit card in the interest of saving, oh, what, three seconds?

Well, ha-fucking-HA, the joke’s on him because now we BOTH need to wheel all the way over to customer service, so his credit card can be refunded, and mine charged. Which takes something like ten minutes because there is great debate as to whether every single item has to be voided and then re-rung, or if they can just credit and debit the total appropriately. *I* personally don’t care – my child is busy snarfing a doughnut and charming the pants off the dry cleaning ladies. But Mr I-Can’t-Wait-For-YOU has to wait. And I am just evil enough to love every minute of it.

I know, I know, karma’s a bitch, and I’ll get mine. But next time, I won’t be so polite, I just may snarl, “Hey, buddy, back the fuck off.” It’ll take less time in the long run.


Joke said...


The moral of the story?

Take the money and run.


Paula said...

No. No bad karma for you. That was his karma biting him in the ass.

I don't think theres a rule about enjoy seeing someone else get their karma doled out to them.

It was a gift.

Jess said...

I was so hoping this story would end with him accidentally paying for your groceries.

Badger said...

Yeah, I don't think you're due any karmic payback from that, no matter how much you enjoyed it.

Oh, and those people who creep up and try to stick their stuff on the belt while I'm still unloading? I run my cart right into their shins. Hell yes I do. And then I say, "whoops, sorry!" with a big smile.

I used to blame it on the kids, but now they're old enough to protest their innocence. So I just let people think I'm a big moron with rage issues. Which I kind of am.

David said...

1. sign
2. leave

only losers buy groceries with a discover card - really

--Deb said...

I was kind of hoping he'd get stuck with your grocery bill, too . . . but still, that's what he gets for being obnoxious. Resting something big and heavy like a dog food bag, or a couple gallons of milk on the end of the belt while the person ahead is still unloading is forgivable--things get heavy--but actually unloaing your own cart? And then swiping your card before the person in front has finished her transaction? How stupid must he have been?

Kathy said...

I agree with everyone else -- you are not going to get any karmic payback from enjoying him getting his. What kind of moron swipes his credit card when the person in front of him hasn't even paid anyway. Too bad he didn't end up paying for your groceries.

Joke said...

It feels perversely good everyone agrees with me that Mr. Hurry Up should have paid for your groceries.

It would have taught him the value of patience and saved him for future, greater grief. Such as doing this routine with someone purchasing several beef filets, lobsters and the like.


P.S. Yes, it IS almost painful to be this right this often.

nutmeg said...

You know how "we could have been separated at birth"...?

Well, I was busy minding my own business and having a peek at a magazine at the checkout just a couple of days ago - letting the person ahead of me FULLY unload their trolley before I started on mine - when I look up and there is a different person unloading their trolley. I thought - either you've had a magic UN-makeover or you've pushed in! I enquired "Excuse me I think I was here before you" I said. "No. I've been waiting here a long time" came the reply. All shoppers in earshot - cue astounded facial expressions! Complete Liar. I couldn't believe it. I am now practicing a variation of your line "Look sista - just stop the fuck lying OK and oh, just fuck off to the back of the queue!"

Anyway - I recently saw the new Anne Fadiman - am just waiting for TBD to stock it :-)

Anonymous said...

Bwahahahaaaaaa! Do not fuck with the pregnant mom of three.