"My mother told me to be wary of fauns."

I was all set to go to a movie tonight, one of the very few that have even remotely interested me in the past months. A local public radio station was hosting a members-only showing of “Pan’s Labyrinth” and ever since the first time I saw that...creature...with eyeballs in his palms rather than his head, I knew I wanted to see it. Stephanie Zacharek of Salon liked it very much, and I trust her totally.

I honestly cannot remember the last time I went to a movie theatre to see a real, live, grown-up movie (“Cars” and “Pooh’s Heffalump Movie” while perfectly fine and even entertaining movies, do not count.)

I have heard from several reliable sources that “Labyrinth” is very VERY violent. It’s set in Franco’s Spain, so the violence doesn’t seem very surprising, and its director drew heavily on his fascination with the classic fairy tales, so even less surprising then. I was prepared, even though “The Godfather” is about as much movie violence as I can handle easily. (I may be the only person on the planet who has not seen “Reservoir Dogs,” the Matrix movies, “Kill Bill,” or “Pulp Fiction” and that is why.) (I haven’t seen “Titanic” either, but that’s just because I am smarter than the average bear…)

I got to the movie theatre at 640. Seating was meant to begin at 7, the movie at 730.

But it seems that the radio station was not the only entity handing out passes, and the movie had earned a Golden Globe nomination for Best Foreign Language Film, and even though the radio station had been “guaranteed” enough seats, alas, there were NOT enough seats and my coworker and I did not get in.

We were offered free passes to see anything else playing, as long as we used them tonight.

“The Painted Veil” had already begun; I had no interest in “Dreamgirls,” “Rocky Balboa,” or “Blood Diamond” at all; or “Night at the Museum” without my kids; and B had already seen “The Good German.”

We accepted defeat and went and had a beer. If I looked like this, I would've been able to see what beers they had on tap without falling off my barstool...