"Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?" - Milhouse, in "The Simpsons"

My children are driving me up a wall. Remind me again why I am jonesing for a fourth?

*******************

Terzo has learned to say Mama, although I am not sure he knows what it means: he wanders the house chanting it: “Mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama…”

He is becoming increasingly verbal and the two older hooligans delight in making him say potty words:
“Terzo, say Poop!”
“Poop!”
“Say Pee!”
“Pee!”
“Say Fart!”
“Fart!”
“Say Mama’s going to kill herself if you don’t cut her a break really soon!”

And he is into EVERYTHING. Because of the way our kitchen cabinets are built, I use rubber bands and/or wooden spoons to hold the doors shut. Ditto the cabinet in the bathroom and the video cabinet. He has managed to unwrap ponytail holders from every one of these places, regardless of how tightly I wrap them. And while I understand that not everyone grasps the importance of alphabetizing your videos, it would be nice to not have the boys crunch over a layer of them when they walk through the living room.

He likes to go into the bathroom and flush the toilet and turn on the faucets and pull all the tissues out of their boxes. He also unrolls the toilet paper and wanders away with anyone’s toothbrush he can reach, leaving them in weird, unsanitary places like under the kitchen radiator or in the dog bowl.

Speaking of, he likes to splash around in the dog’s water bowl like it’s his own personal wading pool, and if he can open the door to get down onto the landing (I have caught him several times trying to wedge his solid little body through the cat door), he methodically places each and every bit of kibble in the cats’ bowl into their water bowl.

He especially enjoys navigating the living room without touching the floor: from the piano bench to the armchair, along the back to the arm of the couch, along the couch to the ottoman to the coffee table from whence he flings himself triumphantly onto the second armchair.

He routinely tries to ride Punto as if the dog was a horse, and failing that, he steers him by his tail. The one cat knows enough to hide from him but the other, less bright one has also suffered to be straddled and ridden.

**************

Meanwhile, Segundo has turned into a very...volatile...four-year-old.
EVERYTHING is a TRAGEDY! Of the highest order!
Resulting in floods, FLOODS, I tell you, of tears!
Because life is terrible and IT’S! NOT! FAIR! Accompanied by stomping feet and jumping up and down for good measure, in case I didn’t grasp that IT’S! NOT! FAIR! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s not fair that he has to eat cereal for breakfast! Wait, no, it’s waffles that’s not fair! And it’s not fair! That his clean underwear is folded in his drawer! And it’s certainly not fair! That we require him to eat dinner before he has a treat! NOT! FAIR!

I expect him to brush his teeth?
NOT FAIR!
I expect him to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket?
NOT FAIR!
I expect him to not push down his younger brother and take away his toy?
NOT FAIR!
I expect him to stop yelling and go to sleep sometime before midnight?
NOT FAIR!

No one loves him, he’s going to hate me FOREVER, and by the way? It’s NOT FAIR!

*********************

By comparison, dealing with my motormouth Primo is a cakewalk. It only took threatening to not let him go to a t-ball game, and making him apologize to his teacher, to get him to stop chattering so much in class and listen.

I do wish he came with a volume knob, as I do not want to listen to anyone (well, except maybe Colin Firth) recite the Pirates’ batting statistics, game schedules, shoe sizes, and a gamut of other fascinating facts, before breakfast, or for that matter, EVER.

I freely admit it: I DON'T CARE what the starting defensive line of the Ottawa Senators is, what high school Chris Duffy attended, or Ben Roethlisberger is left- or right-handed.

I even don’t care who Primo would vote for, were he old enough to vote.
And yet? He continues to regale me ceaselessly with all this information, and more.

Just so you know:
He’d have voted for Rick Swartz, and not Dan Onorato, for county controller.
He’d have written in Bill Peduto for mayor, too.
He doesn’t get why I voted for Cathleen Bubash, but fully concurs with my choices of McVay, McCarthy, and Williams, for judge of Allegheny Court of Common Pleas.
He thinks Len Bodack is not a nice man, and that he should concede to Patrick Dowd before the county verifies the race results. After all, he is convinced that Patrick won.
And he’s very glad Heather Arnet will take Patrick’s seat on the school board, because it’s really important who’s on the school board since he goes to the public schools and they run the public schools.
And shouldn’t we take our yard signs down now that the primaries are over?
Why don’t people take down their Bodack signs now that he lost?
He just doesn’t GET IT.

*****************

I am beginning to prefer the company of my goldfish, who may be boring but at least he stays in one place, and he’s quiet.

Except lately, even he’s been making these weird “bloop, bloop, bloop” bubbly sounds...

"No, it's not my house." - Kathy Niccolo, in "House of Sand and Fog"

I would argue vehemently that books made into movies are most often unsuccessful. I almost never see a movie of a book I loved; made that mistake once and will NEVER do it again ("Possession").

In some cases, a movie absolutely destroys a perfectly lovely, intricately layered, wonderful book (Again: "Possession," anyone? UGH. Also, "The Prince of Tides." WTF were they thinking casting Nick Nolte in the Tom Wingo role?!?!)

I CAN think of books which were made into movies that I enjoyed almost as much as I did the book: The World According to Garp, Angels and Insects, mayyyyyyyyyyyyyybe Cider House Rules.

But seldom is the movie better than the book. Seldom, but not never:

House of Sand and Fog - Andre Dubus III. I still HATED the Kathy Niccolo character, but I really liked Ron Eldard as Lester, and Ben Kingsley made Colonel Behrani much more sympathetic and complex than he was in the book.
My friend E, her husband, and I watched it last Friday night. By the end, poor J was sitting between a pair of sobbing, hiccuping women; I am sure he didn't know which way to turn - he just kept eating the popcorn.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (HP2) - JK Rowling. Oh my dear God, will this book n.e.v.e.r e.n.d???? But the movie was terrific – much faster-paced. Much more sure of itself. Plus, as always, a perfect excuse to ogle Alan Rickman as Snape.

Bridget Jones’ Diary - Helen Fielding. Renee Zellweger totally rocked in this movie, (and Colin Firth didn’t hurt it, either). Once I’d seen the movie, I enjoyed the book much more. The movie allowed Bridget to be fussy and flaky but also funny and cute and charming; none of that came across for me the first time I read the book.

You could probably convince me to include Peter Benchley’s Jaws and Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the Gene Wilder one, NOT the remake with Johnny Depp), if you tried a little bit.

Check out this blog for further thoughts…

Wars and elections are both too big and too small to matter in the long run. The daily work - that goes on, it adds up. - Barbara Kingsolver

I swiped this from Naked without Books, who swiped it from Bookfool, and she told two friends, and so on,and so on...

*******************

A book that made you cry: Bridge to Terabithia – Katherine Paterson; The Book Thief – Markus Zuzak; A Thread of Grace - Mary Doria Russell

A book that scared you: Salem’s Lot - Stephen King. I slept with a crucifix next to my bed for months, and to this day I hate to look out the bathroom window at night.

A book that made you laugh: Virgins – Caryl Rivers (possibly the funniest book I have ever read); The Egg and I – Betty MacDonald; Bright Lights, Big Ass – Jen Lancaster; The Gashlycrumb Tinies - Edward Gorey

A book that disgusted you: Chuck Palahniuk’s Haunted; I can deal with violence if it’s well-written and relevant, but I was NOT impressed by this book or its gratuitous yet lovingly detailed violence.

A book you loved in elementary school: Understood Betsy; Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm; Trumpet of the Swan; The Little Princess; the list could go on and on.

A book you loved in junior high: The Cat Ate My Gymsuit by Paula Danziger. Very funny, painfully honest, what a terrific book for a shy, awkward teenager to find, read, and empathize with. I can’t remember who gave it to me, but God bless ‘em.
I also read every Trixie Belden - stil have 'em, too.

A book you loved in high school: I don’t really remember anything I read in high school; I spent a lot of time plowing through my mom’s random mysteries. That’s when I read all the Brother Cadfael books, so I would have to pick those. Although I remember reading Thomas Costain’s Silver Chalice, and Frances Parkinson Keyes’ Came a Cavalier, and liking both very much (and not that I can remember a damn thing about either, now).

A book you hated in high school: The House of Seven Fucking Gables. Which I read again, later, in college, and thought was just fine. I resented that we were not permitted to read Scarlet Letter, I think.

A book you loved in college: Pride and Prejudice, which I read for the first time when I was sick with the flu in my junior year, on the night of one of the biggest parties of the year, and my boyfriend, instead of coming to spend a very little bit of time with me, stayed at the fraternity house and partied, hanging out with several women by whom I felt very threatened.

A book that challenged your identity: Book of Common Prayer (Anglican Church)

A series that you love: Laurie R King’s Mary Russell series

Comfort books: Hens Dancing; any of Laurie Colwin’s novels; Shell Seekers.

Your favorite horror book: I don’t read horror; my sole attempt (successful) was HP Lovecraft’s In the Mountains of Madness.

Your favorite science fiction book: The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell

Your favorite fantasy book: Madeleine L’Engle’s books for teenagers – An Acceptable Time, Young Unicorns, Arm of the Starfish. Or apparently, Time Traveler’s Wife counts...

Your favorite mystery book: Brat Farrar, but honestly, anything by Josephine Tey

Your favorite graphic novel: Easy! The Sandman series, probably Brief Lives if I had to pick, but otherwise, the whole kit and caboodle.

Your favorite biography: Laurie Colwin’s food books, Ruth Reichl, MFK Fisher. Hmmm, another theme...I did enjoy very much Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Love Pray.

Your favorite “coming-of-age” book: Roller Skates – Ruth Sawyer

Your favorite classic: Gone with the Wind, which is totally a soap opera and I find it hilarious that it’s considered this big, intimidating classic.

Your favorite romance book: Jane Eyre, although I admit to a weird fondness for this fluffy little novel called Just Desserts, by Patti Massman ; or Judith Krantz’s Mistral’s Daughter.

Favorite kids’ book: I am partial to The Big Orange Splot; but I also like I Love You, Stinky Face and Yellow Submarine, which is just FUN to read out loud. “I’m a born lever-puller, me.”

Favorite cookbook: To use – Real Simple Real Food; How to Be a Domestic Goddess – Nigella Lawson (these can change depending on mood, what’s in season, what’s new, etc.); for reading: John Thorne or Laurie Colwin. For both: Consuming Passions - Michael Lee West

Your favorite book not on this list: Satanic Verses – Salman Rushdie; Possession – AS Byatt; Stones from the River – Ursula Hegi.

“Bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don't vote.” - William E. Simon

Go.
VOTE.

I'll wait right here (arms crossed, foot tapping...)

GO ON.
What are you waiting for?

GO.

"He should have just accepted things as they are instead of trying to interfere with destiny " - Tracy Flick, "Election"

Tomorrow Pittsburgh holds its 2007 primary election. (Post Gazette coverage and endorsements here.)

*****************

H and I have been fairly involved in one campaign, Patrick Dowd’s, for District 11 City Council seat. Mr Dowd, who has been effective on the Pittsburgh Public Schools school board and would be a forward-thinking City Council member, who has displayed much integrity and intelligence, runs against Len Bodack, the incumbent, and a party hack. Mr Bodack has been nearly invisible this race – no website, few public appearances, certainly no debates even though Mr Dowd challenged him to one early on, and repeated his desire for a public debate several times. In addition, he seems to think that Lawrenceville is the only neighborhood in the district that matters – news for you, Mr Bodack – Highland Parkers and Morningsiders and Stanton Heights’ers are part of your constituency as well.

Mr Bodack has out-and-out called Mr Dowd a liar (in capitals and boldface!) in campaign mailers; however, to be evenhanded, this was in response to Mr Dowd’s insinuations that Mr Bodack is corrupt, that money has changed hands or been promised in some shady ways. (Is this true? I don’t know, but in truth, it would not surprise me. The Pittsburgh political machine is well-known for its old-boy cronyism. Our incumbent mayor is a decent example.) So yes, both candidates could have taken a higher road, but my vote goes without dispute or second thought to Mr Dowd. (Whom, in the interest of full disclosure, is someone I personally know and respect, and consider a friend.)

***************

The school board race is the one that, as a parent of a child in the public schools, most concerns me. Stephanie Tecza is running against Heather Arnet. What first concerned me about Tecza is that she was one of three candidates up for endorsement from the District 2 School Board Coalition; each candidate agrees that, whomever the Coalition endorses, the others will drop out of the race and support the chosen candidate, thus ensuring community’s political support for the candidate deemed best. The Coalition endorsed Ms Arnet and Ms Tecza decided to run anyway. Her reason, that the Coalition “did not reflect the diversity” of the district is neither here nor there: she knew coming in who comprised the Coalition; her decision to fly in the face of this pledge and run anyway demonstrates a lack of integrity and commitment.

In addition, she is running on the platform that the district does not do enough for special ed kids (she has two children, one of whom has Down’s Syndrome). As the parent of three typical children, perhaps I am being insensitive, but I would like the school board to worry less about a particular group of students and focus on balancing the budget and providing a decent education for all its students. I think that a special-interest-biased member at this point in the board’s history will cause unnecessary disruption and short-sightedness. What we need is what Ms Arnet offers: “ I think the last few years have brought increased accountability and also a very strategic focus on increasing student achievement.” … she wants to help that agenda move forward.
My vote goes to Ms Arnet.

***************

Other races I am keeping an eye on include that of Controller: Doug Shields is a fine guy, but I would like to keep him on City Council where he has done a great job, and where perhaps he and Mr Dowd can work well together to help this city live up to its potential. He is running unopposed for his council seat. His opponent for controller is Michael Lamb, which is who I will be voting for. It’s not that we don’t like you, Mr Shields! We just like you where you can do the most good, on the City Council.

************

I will be voting for Jack McVay, Joe Williams, and Michael McCarthy for Allegheny County Court of Common Pleas.

***************

I don’t know what to say about Mayor Luke Ravenstahl. I don’t like him, but that’s more of a gut reaction than any sort of studied, intelligent political decision.
I was living on the North Side when he ousted Barbara Byrnes for City Council, running and winning in that staunchly Democratic neighborhood on his name (or rather, his father’s and grandfather’s name). He was elected President of City Council as a compromise candidate among rival factions and upon Mayor O’Connor’s unexpected illness and death last year, he ascended to the position of Mayor. There was some debate after Mayor O’Connor’s death as to whether there must be an election for the new mayor; the law is ambiguous, and some argued that the mayoral term does not expire till 2009; as it turns out, it doesn’t matter - his election is a formality, as he is running unopposed.

*********************

So.
Tomorrow is 2007 primary election day.
The polls are open from 7 a.m. till 8 p.m.
Go vote.
And if you don’t vote, you have no right to complain.

"I totally have no other talent and I would be totally out of work if I did anything else." - Neil Young

Our annual church book sale began last week; because I buy so many books from them, at ridiculously low prices, I am feeling compelled to donate some. Although I heartily regret the weeding of my collection when we moved three years ago, it only seems fair that, with all the thousands of books in my house, I should rustle up at least a few to donate. Here's what I found and decided I could part with, with little or no regret.

• Some book I picked up somewhere called An Egg on Three Sticks. No idea why I thought I might want to read it, because, in addition to its ridiculous title, it’s written in the breathy, melodramatic voice of a teenage girl, with little clarifying punctuation, lots of run-on sentences and “you knows” and “likes,” and it drove me BONKERS. The reviewers on Amazon seemed to love it, but I tried three times to read it, and got disgusted very quickly all three times. The time has come to inflict it on someone else.
  
  
• Riding the Bus with my Sister; but Sarah Louise has first dibs on it. Lemme know, SL; I can get it to you if you still want it. Otherwise, to the church sale it goes.
  
  
• A copy of Jane Hamilton’s The Book of Ruth and a copy of Timothy Findley’s The Telling of Lies, both of which I picked up from the free paperback exchange at work, and then lost interest in almost immediately.
  
  
• Duplicate copies of Touch and Feel Farm (It’s a children’s book like Pat the Bunny, get your minds out of that gutter!); Robert Munsch’s Love You Forever (one of the creepiest children’s books ever written, and at least the fourth copy I have given away. Note to gift-givers: It is NOT an acceptable or appropriate baby shower or baby gift. It is CREEPY. And icky. And ew-wy.); Magic Treehouse’s Vacation under the Volcano and Tigers at Twilight (these two duplicates are due entirely to Joke’s son, who generously and kindly sent all his MT books to Primo).
  
  
• I Want to Know About the Holy Spirit; and its companions, I Want to Know About the Church, and I Want to Know About Jesus.
  
  "The best way to learn is by seeing, doing, and exploring things for yourself. And what better way to learn about the Holy Spirit than this fun, informative book!...It's packed with full-color photos, cartoons, and graphics. And it's ready to guide you into adventures in faith and fascinating discoveries...Learning about the Holy Spirit has never been this much fun!"
  
  Um, I am not sure I WANT learning about the Holy Spirit to be this much fun. And exactly what sort of full-color photos do you suppose it contains? I have to go home and look, to see if perhaps they captured part of the Great Three-in-One on film.
  
  A friend gave these to my kids in a big bag of books her two teenagers had outgrown; even when she handed them to me, she almost seemed embarrassed by them. She is NOT some sort of religious freak, and I am sure these books are very informative and well-put-together; they’re just not my boys’ cup of tea.
  Or Communion wine.
  
  
• Shakey: Neil Young’s Biography. By rights, this is not mine to give away. The drummer in H’s band lent it to him more than two years ago, and it has been riding around in MY car for the past ten or twelve months because H keeps “forgetting” to take it to return to B. I find it on the floor, in the hatchback, in the CD storage case, under the seats, and jammed in the glove compartment. My boys have stepped on it, sat on it, and dropped Cheerios and juice boxes on it. I am donating the damn thing just to get it the hell out of my car.

So there you have it. The Great Weed of 2007.
Of course, with the half dozen books I dragged home already last week from the sale, I am almost even already. We do NOT believe in Zero Population Growth, or Zero Book Growth, in THIS family.

"...but I won't dwell upon these trifling family matters” - Lord Byron

The first few years of my marriage, H’s mom gave me for my birthday:

• a denim shorts-and-shirt set studded with rhinestones, in a size six (I was at the time probably a size ten)
  
• a greenish flowered rayon dress with embroidered flowers all over the skirt, size large (I was probably a medium – she tried)
  
• a Mary Higgins Clark mystery

The year she gave me the rest of my wineglasses from the wedding registry was a vast improvement.

The year after that, she gave me a gift card to Old Navy, which was just fine.
I like Old Navy.

Then she went straight to cash.
I have no problem with cash.
Except my mother used to give H cash for HIS birthday and I know she gave us both the same amount.
I don’t want to sound petty here – but I will – but H’s mom gives me half of what she gives H.
This year, my amount got reduced another ten dollars.

I suppose, really, I should be grateful she gives me anything at all.
It’s nice of her.
She spends a lot of money on my boys, so it's nice of her to remember my birthday at all.
It really is.
Plus, this year she got it exactly right.

This morning, with my birthday cash in hand, I went to Barnes and Noble and bought:

The new Barbara Kingsolver, because I own and read everything she writes.
This one looks really interesting, especially in light of my exciting discovery today that Construction Junction recycles paperboard! No more throwing out cereal boxes and OJ cartons. I am actually not sure what recycling has to do with eating locally, other than being tenuously connected by being-good-to-the-Earth-ness, but either way I was happy about both!



Jen Lancaster has a new book out, and everyone should go buy it. Because, wouldn’t you hate to meet her at Blogher and not have read her new book? Besides, she is just as funny in her book as she is on her blog. Who doesn’t want to laugh out loud while reading on the bus, just like a crazy person?

The saleslady at B&N had a bit of a tough time tracking down Jen’s book (Jen. Me and her. We’re like THIS.) but we finally found it on the New Paperbacks table. Because it would be a New Paperback. And I was all, “Wow, Jen is soooo funny, you should read her first book.” Basically, pathetically, trying to pass myself off as a personal friend to the famous author. (Are two famous authors not enough for me? Do I really need more? If you cut me, do I not bleed? )
But you know, Jen blogs; I blog.
She has ten thousand readers; I have ten readers.
We are blogging sisters, of a sort.

So, now that I have embarrassed myself by acting like I am still a junior in high school, I also bought this, to carry on the high-school theme:

Because, let’s face it, regardless of how erudite The Sandman series really is, it plays perfectly to the angst, the pseudo-depth, the sturm und drang of the average adolescent female.

Besides, in the last volume I read, Dream died, and I can’t quite cope with that well enough just yet to read The Wake, so Endless Nights it is.

My mother-in-law has done herself proud with the birthday gifts this year.
Thanks, Mom!