Monday, January 12, 2009

"For argument's sake, let's say I'm not smart."

If I were a vampire…

I’d bite you in the morning, I’d bite you in the evening…all over this land…wait, no, that’s just me not able to help myself, sorry.

Let’s try again.

If I were a vampire, I would, as Edward Cullen points out somewhere in the third book, have an awful lot of free time. They don’t need to sleep or eat or go to the bathroom. (I wonder if they need to shower?) I would have an eternity, without any distractions, right?

I would have time to read every book I have ever wanted to read – hell, I could finally finish Anna Karenina. For that matter, I would have time to learn Spanish and Russian, so I could read War and Peace and Love in the Time of Cholera not in translation.

I would have tons of time to write – but oddly, probably not as much to write about, or the ability to be as truthful or introspective as I might now.

I would have all sorts of time to knit and quilt. I’d be an expert. (Suse, is that your secret? Are all your perfect and charming knitted adorables a result of you being one of the Undead?)

I could listen to a lot of music. I have proof that vampires like Radiohead, and in fact, if I were to discover that Thom Yorke was a vampire, it wouldn’t shock me hardly at all. I would probably never ever have to listen to “Philadelphia Chickens” or a Wiggles album ever again; there is a noticeable dearth of vampire toddlers.

I would have time to bake all I wanted, but without the inclination to sample the goods, what would be the point? I suppose I could “swallow manfully” (as Edward does his wedding cake, and, boy, is that a phrase you ever expected to hear in relation to Edward Cullen?), but again, what would be the point? This is a problem for me. I know Bella doesn’t want to give up human sex, but I? Wouldn’t want to give up human brownies.

BUT, theoretically, I could eat all the baked goods I wanted (if I ate) - vampires are by necessity physically lovely, and have you ever heard of a fat vampire? I would have all kinds of time to run and swim and skate and bike, like I try to do now to stay fit and – no, not beautiful, maybe marginally-less-repulsive, but I am sure I could not uphold an unnecessary exercise regime. I considered running marathons as a vampire, and socking away my winnings (doesn’t one of the vampires consider that in one of the books?), but there’s the sparkly skin-in-sun problem there…and eventually the other marathoners would catch on, don’t you think? Basically, what I am saying is that my being a vampire would probably not change my fundamental laziness.

Two things I could not do if I were a vampire:

I could not have babies. Any more babies. I am okay with that. See next point.

I could not hang out with my husband and/or kiddoes, lest their luscious scent tempt me to kill them. (Their luscious scent of what? Baby poop?) And dudes, seriously, it’s hardly their delicious smell that makes me want to kill them – one more snow day, yes; yummy scent, not so much.

One more random vampire thought – I chew my cuticles, often till they bleed. Yes, I realize, bad habit, blah blah blah. What would Edward have done if Bella were a dedicated nail-biter? A ripped hangnail could have sent him right over the edge. Inquiring minds want to know…

What? You didn’t think I was engineering world peace or considering the next Secretary General of the UN while I was plodding out my three miles around the reservoir on weekend mornings, did you?

*Bella Swan, "Twilight"


Major Bedhead said...

This post has made me giggle. A lot. Mostly because I've wondered some of the same things myself. I'm so glad I'm not the only nut out there.

Badger said...

Um, dude? It might be time to STEP AWAY FROM THE VAMPIRE FICTION. Maybe. I'm just saying.

KPB said...

Ah, a fellow cuticle picker until they bleed.


Duyvken said...

Love it! I would still have to shower, before I was 'turned' I would have to have a long discussion about exactly what the terms were which would probably mean that I would bore the poor creature so badly they'd give up on me. But I would need to know for sure that I could still shower!

Suse said...

You make me laugh.

But also, what Badger said. Step away from the scary books now.

Sarah said...

I'm only halfway through the first book and have many, many questions about Edward. At the rate I'm reading, it'll take me years to get answers.

Thom Yorke is ABSOLUTELY a vampire. So is Jonny Greenwood, for that matter.

Caro said...

I hate having to stop in the middle of whatever I am doing to use the bathroom. I hate waking up at night to use the bathroom. I'll be a vampire if you will!