Sunday, July 20, 2008

"I wouldn't know a space-time continuum or warp core breach if they got into bed with me."*

But you can damn well bet they'd wake me the hell up when they did. AND steal all the pillows.

I know my blogging has been - shall we say sporadic - lately.
I apologize.

Here's what I have been soooooo busy coping with all week, keeping me from my laptop and the witty, erudite posts you all have come to expect:

1. A baby who seems to think 4 am is the perfect time to wake up and par-tay!

2. A husband who doesn't seem to know what I need, even when (especially when?) I say to him, "I need you to take the baby and give him a bottle because if I don't get three consecutive hours of sleep, I may die and then who would do everything around here? Hmmm?"

3. An almost-three-year-old who is apparently having horrific nightmares about ice cream cones.

4. A book that never seems to end.

5. A babysitter who - selfish woman! - takes vacation the week that my clothes begin to feel tight and I could really stand (at least mentally) to step up the running, AND the same week in which my husband pulls his "I'm very busy at work so am very distant at home" schtick, so I have NO ONE to talk to after a twelve-hour day with four exasperating children. Humph. How dare she. (I'll forgive her if she brings me salt water taffy...)

5. A seven-year-old who hears, "Gimme a minute" as "Please keep talking, only louder, because your mother LOVES when you do that." (Apparently listening skills are genetic, on the father's side.)

6. The lack of some sort of blip in the time-space continuum that allows me to take the boys to the pool for a couple hours at 5 pm but still makes it possible for me to get them fed before 8 pm.

Sometime around 2026, things should get back on track and regular posting will resume.


*Patrick Stewart


MsCellania said...

Take peanut butter sandwiches to the pool. And apples. I used to do that all the time when the boys were little. Then I'd shower them at the pool, put on their pjs, drive home and carry them into bed, asleep, when we got home. That was my idea of a perfect summer evening.

Joke said...

Here are some useful translations/suggestions:

1- Bose noise cancellation headphones. When my wife had to travel and left me alone with two yodel-monsters, these saved my sanity.

2- You're not saying it right. Say "If you don't take the next feeding, I will murder you in your sleep in the most disgusting manner possible."

3- Make pizelle cones with him, thus giving him Creator-like power over the cones.

4- John Welter, but you refuse to listen.

5a- Won't you have to run more after the taffy? Tell H. that how busy he is at work has no bearing on his capacity to sit there and listen; in fact, it'll be good for his career.

5b- "Be quiet or I'll send you to a Jesuit school!"

6- One of those car-powered coolers that can also keep food warm; if you're among those unfortunates who fret over feeding kids non-hot food.

You're welcome.


Badger said...

Your problem is that there are too many men in your house. As Joke's "wouldn't you have to run more after the taffy" comment illustrates so beautifully.

Sarah said...

1. What MsC, Joke & Badger said.

2. Sigh. There's always Word Twist, which I've been HORRIBLE at lately, so I haven't been playing. Now that you know that, I can play again and know that you've been warned that you'll kick my behind even more severely now.

See? I can't even write coherently!

Caro said...

Why is it that chasing after the kids never works for the whole running thing?

I hope you get a break soon.

KPB said...

I appreciate the humour but hear the desperation.

The sleep thing is critical.

Tell your husband to suck it up because busy at work is the equivalent to one hour at home with four children on broken sleep.

And yes, if he doesn't sit and listen to you AND give the baby a goddamn bottle you will murder him in slow painful ways to rival Dexter.

Come play word twist and path words, it makes everything better.

TLB said...

What she said!

My baby likes to wake up at 12 and 2 AND 4. (Tell me it does get easier??)

Plus I'm dealing with editing possibly the worst mss. I've ever read in my life. The woman who wrote it is a native English speaker who still manages to write worse sentences than all, ALL of my ESL students. Along with the fact that her book is full of adolescent rape fantasies. It's beyond awful. Please think of me tonight at 2 a.m. when I will still be reading it.

Sarah Louise said...

I offer no advice, your non-married, non-mom friend. But I can offer adult convo.

that is all.



Bearette said...

#2 is ESSENTIAL. I hope H is able to do a night feeding soon.

Caterina said...

Hahaha, Joke and Badger crack me up! I think they've said it all. And Sarah Louise too.