I packed up three days worth of stuff for the older boys and a day’s worth of stuff for the baby and now I am on my own for the next 36 hours.
H trundled off to the Great Thomas Adventure with Primo through Terzo (I kissed Primo and Seg goodbye but only Terzo did I squeeze breathless and actively wish he was staying home with me. Even though he will enjoy Thomas the most of the three, as he’s totally at the right age and obsession level.)
Am I the only freak who, instead of being happy that they will have a great time and enjoying a little peace and quiet for myself, instead worries that there will be a horrific van wreck, or H will lose track of them in the crowd, or he won’t realize Terzo can’t reach the bottom of the pool, and he’ll come home minus one, two, or all three of them? (I have already decided that if this happens, I will divorce him and take the baby and go live quietly off the grid somewhere up north. I have a PLAN.) I know they make me nuts, but I would miss them if they weren’t around. (Especially my sweet Terzo, who makes me happier than any mom has a right to be.)
I KNOW I am morbid, but there have been so many horrible stories in the news lately and I am terrified when they are not with me. (Not that this stops me from fobbing them off on babysitters, friends, grandparents - heck, anyone who'll take 'em for an hour or two - so I can’t be THAT terrified. It’s more of an abstract terror, I guess.) I eyeballed the little boy whom my babysitter also cares for: Could he be a homicidal maniac just looking to squash a baby flat? Or bop the baby on the head? Or feed him Doritos?
I have been looking forward to this respite for months but now that it’s here, I admit that I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I have lots of writing to do, and editing for clients, and trim work to paint, and a doctor’s appointment this evening. But right now I think I will lie on the couch with my cup of coffee and play Wordtwist, and then finish Alice Hoffman's newest novel, and maybe I’ll stop at the grocery store on my way home from the doctor’s office to buy potato chips and onion dip for dinner.
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*"Back in the High Life," Steve Winwood
11 comments:
Don't worry dear, you are perfectly normal.
When Dale was a baby, I wouldn't take my hand off him in the grocery store. I just knew if I did someone would snatch him in the nanosecond it took me to grab a can of greenbeans.
Don't forget the beer to go with the chips and dip...
I think you like being horrified, and this is cheaper than paying $10 for some slasher film.
-J.
I have the same horrible, morbid thoughts; I often fear that I am living in a Greek tragedy and am waiting for the gods to lower the boom. It is just motherhood. I think.
Count me in, and mine's certainly not a baby anymore. He went to Cedar Point with his dad yesterday, and I was worried the whole time. The only time I *know* he's safe is when he's with me. I imagine this will make college rather difficult, but somehow I will manage.
I was just wandering the house with a similar restless feeling of not knowing what to do with my freedom - not from children, but from work, school & cloudy skies. I don't remember what to do with a warm, sunny, obligation-free afternoon.
I don't think you're bizarrely morbid - I don't even have children and I have the same worries whenever I babysit.
Dude. ME TOO.
Dude. ME TOO, too.
Dude, me too three.
My son is 23 and living in Hattiesburg (2 hours away from me) and I worry that 1/ he's going to get in a horrible accident up there and 2/ someone is going to mug him and hurt him.
Oddly, my daughter is gone for a week and I'm not worried about her even though she's 14. I worry more about her when she's with me -- I won't let her go away from me in the mall unless she has her cell phone. And I won't drop her and her friends off at the mall without also hanging around the mall where I could get to them easily if they needed me.
Unfortunately, it's the "what ifs" that keep us vigilant, and being vigilant does actually keep them safer. The "unfortunately" is because safer is a relative term and because we have to still enjoy life every day! So if your what ifs float around in your mind that's OK, but if they keep you from enjoying reading and eating and drinking WHATEVER YOU WANT then it's time to up the anti-anxiety med!
Bliss.
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