Friday, December 12, 2008

"How can you be so stupid? How can you be so cruel?"*

I am awake this morning without a baby attached to me, or a toddler peeing in my bed, or a five-year-old worrying about polar bears, or...well, you get the idea. I am awake. Alone. In the kitchen, on my SECOND mug of hot tea. Pleasantly full of Italian bread and apricot jam.

Today will be better than yesterday was. I swear. I won't yell at my boys for asking for orange juice while I am buttering their toast, or requesting whipped cream on their hot chocolate while I slap together the eleventy gazillionth peanut butter sandwich of my motherly existence. I won't yell at them for asking for a red vitamin instead of a purple vitamin when they KNOW DAMN RIGHT WELL, GODDAMNIT, THAT THERE ARE NO RED VITAMINS LEFT ANDIAMBUYINGMORETODAYISWEARFORGOD'SSAKE!

I hate when I make them stare silently into their cereal bowls and stolidly zip up their jackets and trudge out the door to another day of school, instead of their being silly and loud and loony. And I want to chase them down and cover them with kisses and hug them, and cry.

I wonder if it's right or wrong to tell them that my brain doesn't always work right? Would this help them, or make it worse? It doesn't help ME, but then again, it's my brain.

I showered last night. I swallowed my pills. I slept. All these things have to matter. Yes, the holidays are upon us, but I am taking a deep breath and trying to ride it out. (I will resort to my illicit Valium stash if absolutely necessary.)

Today I have to go buy a new toaster. I should be able to handle this. How difficult can buying a toaster be? (I mean, after I return the one I bought last week because it burns all my toast - but isn't deep enough to burn the full slice...poor planning. Where was Product Development when this decision was made?)

I have a weekend full of odious...I mean, holiday events, sandwiched and stacked and draped all over each other. Full of people and pleasantries and cute singing children and cooing grandparents...oh God, I am tired already.

I'm fine. I really am. Just overwhelmed and dreading all the family holiday crap. Not my immediate little family (I actually love Christmas morning and attending hoopla with my boys). It's all the other obligations that drive me round the bend, that make me want to crawl into my bed and stay there with the duvet over my head till sometime 'round Valentine's Day.

Why didn't I just enter a convent? Or go quietly crazy like Mr. Rochester's wife, so I could live peacefully in the attic? I'll bet they didn't make HER come to Christmas Eve dinner at the in-laws'.


*Jane to Mr Rochester, "Jane Eyre" (1996)


Badger said...

Duuude. I feel you.

I've just been informed that we'll be spending not TWO days with DH's out-of-state family smack in the middle of the pre-Christmas rush, but FOUR. FOUR DAYS. Four days during which I will not be able to purchase or wrap a single present, bake a single cookie, or mail a single card. I am freaking the fuck out.

Bearette said...

Yup, pretty sure she didn't have to deal with in-laws. One plus of the attic...

Anonymous said...

My sister and I were commiserating about this last night: Why can't we just have the fun of Christmas morning with our kids and then be done with it? Why does it have to be so much forced gaiety with people you could really take or leave? I HATE FORCED GAIETY!

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to start a tradition in which you take a family trip each year (like a cruise!) from Christmas Eve to New Year's Day and thereby avoid the inlaws altogether?

Here's to a victorious toaster quest!

Anonymous said...

If it helps ... you can order a toaster from without leaving your house. We have a HamiltonBeach that does what it's supposed to do the way it's supposed to do it.

Sorry I can't help you with returning the bad toaster.

I hate this time of year.

Katy said...

Its the full moon, I swear. Its been a tough couple of days for everyone, I think*, and you are doing great for having showered, medicated and slept. Yay for you! That toaster sounds like a total toast failure. Good luck getting it sorted out.

*in my case, it was crying toddler twins for about 9 hours. I was sorely tempted to just keep feeding them Nilla Wafers all day, but suspected that it would have diminishing returns and/or they would figure out how to cry while eating a yummy new-to-them cookie and/or get sick to their stomachs and throw up, leading to a second bath in the day for the boy twin who went cat box digging and/or their mother finding out what I did and firing me.

Suse said...

Big breath dear, big breath.

Sarah Louise said...

What Suse said. And don't discount the moon.


MsCellania said...

I called a halt to all the crap this year. We are doing what WE want - and not entertaining on Christmas day.
We will have little brunches ahead of or after Christmas, if it works out. With 2 or 3 people at a time.
Easy! Make waffles, drink coffee, open gifts, say goodbye.
Christmas will be just the 4 of us plus my parents, who will overnight AFTER dinner. Again with waffles, or eggs or something easy. If I get crananna bread made up and frozen ahead of time, fine. If not, then we wont even have that home baked goody.
I'm tired of either dragging the boys to hell and back (and they hate leaving their new toys!) or having a houseful every single flipping holiday. So I said "Nope. Not doing it. Not Thanksgiving, not Christmas."
BB, Just SAY NO. YOU are the queen in your house. If YOU don't want to haul your brood out, don't! And don't feel obligated to have anyone descend on you. Do it AFTER Christmas "So YOUR gift will be the only one that day and therefore special, dear mil."
But for now, take your pills, breathe deeply and do what you must. The collective angst at holiday season is dreadful.

KPB said...


That was me for the entirety of last week and clearly the beginning of this one.

Deep breaths. D.e.e.p. b.r.e.a.t.h.s.

nutmeg said...

I am doing what Mscellania is doing! We are NOT travelling anywhere this Christmas Day - just the husband and the girls. But I still have to attend all the "pre Christmas stuff" - I have already said to my husband about three times in the last three days - "...I wish they would all just leave me alone!!!!" Just finished a costume for the youngest's preschool play and have more things over the next couple of days and then NOTHING for FIVE days in a row - love it. I have not done any reading - I am drowning. Maybe we can both hold hands while we sink?

Caro said...

I think all Moms have those mornings where the kids are all yelling at once and we consider leaving for milk and never coming back, or at least not coming back for a week. :-)

I only have two at home now and I still go crazy especially with all the Christmas preparations.

Almost done...